Learning How to Fight Fair

In a sense, conflict resolution is an “advanced skill.” First, good communication is a prerequisite. Couples must have the courage to speak up (respectfully) and the willingness to listen. Conflict resolution also requires the maturity and self-discipline of setting aside emotions, the power struggle, and the blame game. That is a tall order! Therefore, we do not want to give the impression that all this is easy, though we present it in a neatly pre-packaged workshop. Some may express frustrations with this, and perhaps even if they do not, we need to recognize how difficult it is.

Conflict resolution has to do with fighting and decision-making. We lay down the ground rules so that couples can make their “fights” more productive. And we emphasize that the goal of a fight is to come to a solution. Many, many couples avoid making decisions. One of the characteristics of an unhealthy marriage is that decisions are continually made by “default,” i.e., the couple avoids the communication and resolution process and either lets the stronger partner decide (power struggle) or lets “fate” decide. Many times, if you ask such couples who decided on a particular issue or how it happened that they decided to do something that way, they will answer that they really don’t know. It just kind of (mysteriously) “was decided.” The problem is, of course, that when this happens, we are abdicating power over our own destiny. And, in the case of the stronger partner deciding, we also become very resentful. It is important for participants to realize that if one partner is allowing (key word) the other to make most of the decisions, they are equally responsible for it. While the partner may feel “helpless,” they are in fact part of the problem.

This workshop attempts to show the importance of resolving, not avoiding, conflict, and gives a step-by-step process for doing so.