Forgiveness and Repair

In this workshop, we acknowledge that forgiveness is difficult, that it is a process (and takes time). Both people need to fully reconcile. We hope the presentation is clear in these respects. The reason that we show the process is to help participants understand where they might be in the process and where they may have gotten stuck. We want to help them realize what work is theirs, and what work they cannot do. We want to be sure everyone realizes that while we may be extremely sad because the process is aborted, we do not need to feel guilty about it. We cannot do the other person’s work, no matter how badly we may want to.

In discussing the two main ways that forgiveness can fail, most will readily understand that if one person is bearing a grudge and refuses to forgive, there isn’t much the other can do. They will readily see the necessity for forgiving, but they may not be able to grasp “forgiving too easily.” For many, the idea that we must “always forgive” is deeply ingrained. We may need to help them make the distinction between doing our own work and trying to do someone else’s. The injured party who says, “It’s nothing. It’s OK,” denying or making light of a serious injury is really only fooling themselves if they think they can ‘make it all right.” This is false forgiveness, false reconciliation. True reconciliation cannot occur, no matter how badly we wish it, without the other person’s cooperation. When one person wants the relationship to work so badly that they “forgive” unilaterally, without the wrongdoer apologizing, etc., they set themselves up for more hurt and their relationship up for failure. With the best of intentions, the injured person may go through great mental gymnastics to convince themselves that everything is “OK,” but it is not.

In this workshop, we attempt to give some basic understanding of forgiveness. We explain that forgiveness is a process, not a single act. We acknowledge that it is difficult and takes time. We also help participants see that the ultimate goal is reconciliation and that this can only be completely accomplished when both partners work at it. We discuss how the forgiveness process should work, how we can get stuck, and what our response can be to an aborted process.